Adult Child Challenges

Adult Child Challenges

  • Many adult children experience significant guilt when they are unable to help their parent. Even though the parent may be refusing help, adult children frequently feel responsible for the conditions their parent is living and feel especially vulnerable to the judgement of others who think they should be doing more. Has this ever been your…[Read more]

    • YES. Tried to work with APS. Detachment is how you navigate this, unless you chose to beat your head against walls. I have a somewhat better relationship with code officer, but ultimately, nobody can help someone who doesn’t want help. My mother lives in her car. I do not live in her car. My mother is not safe. I am safe.It is terrible, b…[Read more]

    • BUT, that said, while I accept that this is the status quo with my mother. I do not accept that this is THE STATUS QUO. It is too f-d up that we have all failed to help her for the last 35 years, so I prefer to devote some of my energies to how we might do better in the future, since I cannot help my mother. Perhaps there will always be those…[Read more]

  • Does anyone have experience working with Adult Protective Services and your parent? If so, what was it like?

    • APS has been involved with my mother for about 5 years. My line on APs is that it is better than no APs but not by much. do you have any more specific questions? They have not achieved anything tangible but I was living abroad and it was marginally better knowing they had a cw assigned …

      • Agreed and it also depends on how knowledgeable the worker is on hoarding and what the agency resources are. Where I’m at, APS rarely screens cases in as there are little to no resources and the individual is always reluctant to agree to work with APS knowing their past approach has been full clean outs.

        • It is very frustrating because there is nowhere else to turn… the more I think about it, the more I feel their perspective on competency/mental illness is a big part of the problem… and this is shared by the medical/mental health community… i get the limitations of forced treatment…you can’t save anyone else, but you can do damage control,…[Read more]

          • APS investigation laws are changing in many states so that even if the person refuses help, the investigation can continue. This is ideal in these situations, just taking time for the efforts to ‘trickle down’.

            • I wish my mother had more time… but it is encouraging to know of progress… still amazing how backwards it all seems…

            • Marnie, did you see fb post that APS closed case … #$%@#$# 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🙂
              Haven’t decided what to do, if anything… likely waiting re: bank deadline june 4… maybe follow up with lawyer … maybe just keep sending drinking water… I cannot stand the thought that when something happens to her they will say they did everything they could……

              • It’s difficult to understand the limitations set on APS and most state agencies in regards to that infamous and often contentious term “self-determination”. Limited ‘reach’ and resources often govern the ability to force change. I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Your inclination of just providing her with drinking water may indeed…[Read more]

            • Thank you Marnie, it is very helpful to hear that from someone who has to make same decision in professional context… can you tell me what criteria you use to decide in your work when it is time to stop? Certainly i know that coh wanting to do the right thing is great cover for very complex desires, and yet I’m not happy with ‘my best,” and…[Read more]

              • My decision to stopping work is based on the answer to the following question
                Based on the current level of engagement, who wants this effort more, me or the client? If I find myself pushing or on the verge of arguing with a client, this is a red flag. There is a difference between challenging the person to assess/change thoughts and behaviors and…[Read more]

            • I don’t know how to remove myself from this equation apart from doing nothing, but I have no confidence that is the “right” call for *her* bc I am involved and interested, and I am the only other party concerned with her welfare…
              I feel it is an impossible catch-22

              • It can definitely be a catch-22. That being said, being the ‘only party concerned with her welfare’ seems to apply to her lack of concern for her own welfare too. This puts us back to the previous question of who wants it more. This is likely a piece that APS has taken into consideration too. If the person doesn’t want the help they are offering,…[Read more]

            • Marnie, that is perfect, extremely helpful, thank you very much. exactly what i needed to feel confident that i am approaching this objectively, and not as “coh”

              This suffices to help me decide how to act (or not)

              On the reflective side… regarding what she “wants” surely we cannot dismiss her explicitly expressed wishes…. but I still…[Read more]

              • Glad you find this helpful. In working collaboratively for years with APS, capacity, especially in hoarding is not always well defined. The basic threshold is, is the person able to understand the consequences of their behavior. Before going further into this, read through this:…[Read more]

            • This sort of thing definitely satisfies my curiosity about how they understand themselves… ultimately, I think I have fierce substantive conflict regarding the meaning of self-determination, as a political philosopher there is no self-determination or autonomy without reason and rational self interest. Being a prisoner to irrational desire,…[Read more]

              • I hear what you are saying. The other issue that has an impact in regards to APS, especially in hoarding cases, is knowledge, understanding, and resources. We are working on that but it’s a long process.

            • I would be more comfortable with “forced intervention does not work” and leave aside the distracting red herring of “self-determination “

              The other issue is that “legal competency” standard turns a blind eye to a zillion shades of diminished capacity.

              I also don’t feel like APS tries to connect her to services or options. Their approach is “…[Read more]