• Just writing a note here because I might forget, I’d like to request if at some point we could please review/discuss/share about how to be in relationship with parents who are in denial of their hoarding disorder (dad) & behavior (mom), when it crippled your sense of identity as a child and in many ways even until now? How does one honor oneself…[Read more]

    • You know they saying, “seek and eye shall find” ? My experience is the opposite. I know that isn’t helpful, but the harder I tried with my mother the less I accomplished… only by detaching, mostly through physical distance which creates emotional distance, I gained perspective, without “trying”. I know that doesn’t help when you want someth…[Read more]

    • I might add for now, forget about them and honor yourself. When you feel your needs are met, by you, elsewhere, maybe then you can worry about theirs but it sounds like they have crowded you out for a long time and it is your turn now 🙂

      • my mother does not recognize anything. and I feel a lot of peace, or a lot more than I once did. I am not my mother. She is not me. Her recognition no longer matters to me. I don’t need her to recognize she has a problem or that she hurt me and still does. I don’t know why/how that shift occurred bc I once wanted my parents to get it. I’m…[Read more]

        • That is powerful and so important for others that are still struggling with acceptance and placing responsibilities.

          • The trouble is that I never would have said I was “waiting for permission” I didn’t feel like I was, or that I needed it, but I was waiting on my mother for something… I thought it had something to do with her/us … it did, once… but I got sick of waiting and I just left her behind. and then things got better… It sounds kinda harsh and t…[Read more]

          • Maybe a less cold sounding version is that I realized there was no “us” there was me taking care of her, there was a big, often suffocating HER, but there was no us. I’d always been coping on my own. I could me me taking care of her and taking care of me, or I could be me taking care of her and neglecting me, but either way it was really all o…[Read more]

  • amelia posted a new activity comment 5 months, 2 weeks ago

    I’d like to know this too… also underearner’s anonymous, due to lack of self-worth having grown up voiceless in a hoard…

  • amelia posted an update in the group Group logo of Growing Up In ClutterGrowing Up In Clutter 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    How do I even begin to assess the restrictions and effects of being raised in a hoarding home on my emotional and psychological development? Is there like a check list somewhere to get me started… I have no clue where there are impacts because it’s all I’ve ever known… but now that I’m 32 as I keep trying to grow up I feel like I have to go…[Read more]

    • Unfortunately, the resources and supports for children growing up or who have grown up in a hoarded home are limited. That being said, there are people out there working to change this. I would definitely recommend reaching out to Tammi Moses. She is part of the Hoarding Task Force Network and The Clutter Movement Family Support fb group. Here is…[Read more]

      • Amelia, you should also check out the coh yahoo support group. And there is a book called children of hoarders by Neziroglu and Donnelly that i always recommend… it isn’t earth shattering but it is definitely something i wish i’d had growing up… if you feel like things are still ambushing you, it might be helpful. 🙂

  • amelia posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean by that…

    • Most of the people I have spoken to that grew up in hoarded homes have said they didn’t realize it wasn’t normal until close to their teenage years.

      • That is interesting… I knew my mother was impossible whenI was 2 bc she spent my 2nd birthday ignoring me and obsessing over my bday cake. i was told it is unusual to have such early memories, but I also remember my potty chair and lots of stuff from then, our cat, etc …I have consistent memories from nursery school but more episodic from…[Read more]

  • amelia posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    I’m the only child so it’s 2 to 1 and all the extended family wants nothing to do with it…

    • Im effectively also the only child bc my brother is disabled. i hear you.

      • Makes sense.

        • Ultimately my biggest challenge is letting go… I’m a fixer, just about all of this could be fixed, if she’d let me… accepting her living in her car, etc., when I could have and still could fix many of the most egregious problems regarding her physical safety is VERY hard to accept. It makes me angry, frustrated that she subjects me and…[Read more]

          • You are in a really frustrating situation to put it very lightly. There is a point in situations where I have to consider if I am being helpful anymore to person or the situation. While all the actions of a team to help someone resolve a hoarding situation are clearly going to be helpful, if the person is refusing and/or stuck and unable to…[Read more]

  • amelia posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Age 5-ish?

  • amelia posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    I am afraid of getting angry at my parents for their hoarding disorder when I was a child… I don’t want to lose my relationship with them but I do think a period of distance for me to process my anger might help… I am worried if I allow myself to get angry about it I may never recover… also I am worried about hurting their feelings with the…[Read more]

    • This is a tough situation for you, that is sure. You really have to do a cost/benefit analysis on the toll/cost of not expressing your anger to them vs. expressing it and how it ultimately impacts your ability to live your best life. If the cost outweighs the benefit then you have to figure out how do you accept the anger and move forward. Of…[Read more]

      • Amelia, you can feel the anger without sharing all your feelings with them. I was really angry as a kid an buried it in my teens bc i couldn’t stand all the conflict. Anger is the hardest part for me. I usually burst into tears if really angry bc it is soo buried. i can be snarky, sarcastic, impatient, irritable, but i can’t do red hot…[Read more]

    • The other thing i might add is that while I understand you worry about their feelings bc that is how you were trained, parentified etc, that’s not your responsibility. You are accountable for your feelings and the sooner you reverse those priorities the better. That said, facing your own feelings ultimately has little to do with what or how you…[Read more]