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Have you read Barbara Allen and Jesse Scholl?

I don’t imagine researchers are oblivious to what they cannot study, only emphasizing that this lacunae is significant issue for many COH whom I talk to… it is a major road block for many who feel that experts “don’t get it.” Many have disengaged… but the landscape is very different from what wa…[Read more]

I get what you are saying about PD. The problem is basically that 100% of our parents never seek treatment for hoarding disorder so these two populations do not overlap. We don’t know the population in treatment and experts don’t know ours… I don’t know anyone from COH Yahoo whose parent was ever treated and Many seem to feel their paren…[Read more]

I also see the fortress-effect of the hoard functioning as a huge LEAVE ME ALONE, KEEP OUT OR ELSE, just like substance abuse, and the fortress keeps people/experience from causing pain, it has a distancing, numbing , anesthetic effect. Given the rampant alcoholism in my mother’s family, and her vehement determination that she would never be a…[Read more]

This interface is killing me Marnie… I just typed a really long reply and it vanished. i’m Going to send you and email instead

YES. I wish I could unpack it better, but I assume you already picked up on that Marnie. I’m finally resettled for this Thursday :). So many coh I talk to seem to be responding to what look like NPD, BPD, histrionic, paranoid, OCPD… It is my suspicion increasingly that hoarding may be compounded, or a susceptibility may be present due to f…[Read more]

I would be more comfortable with “forced intervention does not work” and leave aside the distracting red herring of “self-determination “

The other issue is that “legal competency” standard turns a blind eye to a zillion shades of diminished capacity.

I also don’t feel like APS tries to connect her to services or options. Their approach is “…[Read more]

This sort of thing definitely satisfies my curiosity about how they understand themselves… ultimately, I think I have fierce substantive conflict regarding the meaning of self-determination, as a political philosopher there is no self-determination or autonomy without reason and rational self interest. Being a prisoner to irrational desire,…[Read more]

Marnie, that is perfect, extremely helpful, thank you very much. exactly what i needed to feel confident that i am approaching this objectively, and not as “coh”

This suffices to help me decide how to act (or not)

On the reflective side… regarding what she “wants” surely we cannot dismiss her explicitly expressed wishes…. but I still…[Read more]

I don’t know how to remove myself from this equation apart from doing nothing, but I have no confidence that is the “right” call for *her* bc I am involved and interested, and I am the only other party concerned with her welfare…
I feel it is an impossible catch-22

Thank you Marnie, it is very helpful to hear that from someone who has to make same decision in professional context… can you tell me what criteria you use to decide in your work when it is time to stop? Certainly i know that coh wanting to do the right thing is great cover for very complex desires, and yet I’m not happy with ‘my best,” and…[Read more]

Marnie, did you see fb post that APS closed case … #$%@#$# 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🙂
Haven’t decided what to do, if anything… likely waiting re: bank deadline june 4… maybe follow up with lawyer … maybe just keep sending drinking water… I cannot stand the thought that when something happens to her they will say they did everything they could……

The other thing i might add is that while I understand you worry about their feelings bc that is how you were trained, parentified etc, that’s not your responsibility. You are accountable for your feelings and the sooner you reverse those priorities the better. That said, facing your own feelings ultimately has little to do with what or how you…[Read more]

I wish my mother had more time… but it is encouraging to know of progress… still amazing how backwards it all seems…

Ultimately my biggest challenge is letting go… I’m a fixer, just about all of this could be fixed, if she’d let me… accepting her living in her car, etc., when I could have and still could fix many of the most egregious problems regarding her physical safety is VERY hard to accept. It makes me angry, frustrated that she subjects me and…[Read more]

That is interesting… I knew my mother was impossible whenI was 2 bc she spent my 2nd birthday ignoring me and obsessing over my bday cake. i was told it is unusual to have such early memories, but I also remember my potty chair and lots of stuff from then, our cat, etc …I have consistent memories from nursery school but more episodic from…[Read more]