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  • Marnie Matthews, MSW, LICSW posted an update in the group Group logo of Open Topic Family Support - Primary Community ForumOpen Topic Family Support 5 months, 1 week ago

    What is your biggest challenge you are currently having with your family member that is struggling with hoarding?

    • I am afraid of getting angry at my parents for their hoarding disorder when I was a child… I don’t want to lose my relationship with them but I do think a period of distance for me to process my anger might help… I am worried if I allow myself to get angry about it I may never recover… also I am worried about hurting their feelings with the amount of anger I may experience/express. I grew up feeling I was not allowed to be angry ever. Any insight on this, anyone? I feel like the more I deny I am angry the deeper the anger buries and roots itself in me

      • This is a tough situation for you, that is sure. You really have to do a cost/benefit analysis on the toll/cost of not expressing your anger to them vs. expressing it and how it ultimately impacts your ability to live your best life. If the cost outweighs the benefit then you have to figure out how do you accept the anger and move forward. Of course, easier said then done however, important to figure out sooner rather than later.

        • Amelia, you can feel the anger without sharing all your feelings with them. I was really angry as a kid an buried it in my teens bc i couldn’t stand all the conflict. Anger is the hardest part for me. I usually burst into tears if really angry bc it is soo buried. i can be snarky, sarcastic, impatient, irritable, but i can’t do red hot anger… you also don’t have to get angry at them to tell them about your feelings, the feelings don’t have to be “vented ” at them for you to share them… there are lots and lots of options… the only really bad one is burying your feelings… i’d say try to start feeling what you’ve buried and processing it for yourself… worry about how your parents fit in to the process later, for now this is about you… I’m not sure whether this will be tagged to your post or Marnie’s since I replied to her? Please let me know how to use this interface better… i haven’t quite got the hang of it…CS

      • The other thing i might add is that while I understand you worry about their feelings bc that is how you were trained, parentified etc, that’s not your responsibility. You are accountable for your feelings and the sooner you reverse those priorities the better. That said, facing your own feelings ultimately has little to do with what or how you then share with them, and those permutations are nearly infinite so don’t worry about how they might feel if and when you share something, that’s putting cart before the horse. For now, this is yours, not theirs.